What Great Leaders and Present Parents Know About Stepping Back

Issue #32

There is a moment every parent knows.

Your toddler is working on something hard. They are frustrated. You can see exactly how to fix it in about four seconds.

And everything in you wants to step in.

Most days, you do. Because it is faster. Because watching them struggle is genuinely uncomfortable. Because love looks like helping, right?

But here is what I have been sitting with lately. What if stepping in too quickly is quietly getting in the way of the very thing we want most for them?

When my son turned two, his favorite uncle and aunt got him a Strider balance bike. No pedals. Just him, two wheels, and the trail behind our apartment to explore.

The first few weeks were humbling to watch. He fell. He skidded. He came back inside with bruised knees and a frustrated yet happy little face. There were moments he threw the bike on the ground, and moments he cried because his hands hurt.

Every single time, my instinct was to take the bike away and try again when he was "ready."

But here is what stopped me. He kept going back to it.

Not because we pushed him. Because something in him wanted to figure it out. He loved the independence of it, the navigation, learning left and right signals, the way his body and the bike started to understand each other. The physical struggle was real. So was the pull toward something that felt like freedom.

Now, a little over three, he rides trails with my husband running a short distance next to him. The same kid who cried over bruised knees cannot wait to get outside.

Simon Sinek, the leadership thinker behind Start With Why, talks about this same tension in the context of building great teams.

He says the instinct to jump in and show someone exactly how it is done feels helpful. It looks efficient. But what it actually communicates beneath the surface is: I do not trust you to figure this out.

The best leaders resist the urge to rescue. They stay close enough to support, but far enough back to let the real learning happen. Not because they do not care. Because they understand that growth lives on the other side of struggle, not around it.

He calls it playing the infinite game. Prioritising long term development over short term results. Building people who trust themselves rather than people who wait to be told what to do.

I read that and immediately thought about the balance bike.

The balance bike taught me something no parenting book quite captured. The struggle was not something happening to my son. It was something happening for him.

The falling taught him how to fall safely. The frustration taught him how to keep going anyway. The bruises were the price of something he was building inside himself that no amount of my helping could have given him. Hand eye coordination. Spatial awareness. Perseverance. The quiet confidence of: I can do hard things.

That last one is the one I want him to carry for life.

Stepping back is not passive. It is one of the most active things you can do as a parent. It requires you to manage your own discomfort in real time, to sit with their frustration without absorbing it, to trust the process more than you trust your urge to intervene.

This is not about stepping away completely. Safety, genuine distress, a child who is truly stuck and asking for help. Those call for you. That is not rescuing. That is parenting.

But the balance bike wobble? The shoe that will not go on? The block tower that keeps falling?

Those are the moments worth pausing in. Those are the small struggles quietly building something large.

A new bi-weekly feature in Modern Mom Notes, because taking care of your family starts with taking care of yourself.

Kaaryn is a confidence and mindset coach who helps women cultivate self trust, emotional steadiness, and lasting confidence. As a new mom herself, she understands the overwhelm of identity shifts and daily responsibilities. With a background in operations and project management, she brings a practical, grounded approach to personal growth, helping women move through life transitions with more clarity and feel more at home in who they are.

🌐 kwagnercoaching.my.canva.site 📱 @kwagnercoaching

A 3 STEP PAUSE PRACTICE

For the moments you feel the urge to step in, fix it, or take over.

Step 1: Pause Stop and take one full breath before you do anything.

Step 2: Name it "I feel anxious." "I do not feel in control." "This is uncomfortable."

Step 3: Check it and ask yourself: Is this dangerous or just inconvenient? Is this unsafe, or just not how I would do it? Then choose how you respond. 🫶🏼

Self care is not always something you add to your day. Sometimes it looks more like this: interrupting your automatic patterns.

You can still help. You can still make sure they are safe. This practice simply gives you a moment of choice. And over time, that choice builds trust.

Trust in them, and trust in yourself.

Try it once this week and see if you notice what changes. 🤎

Are you more of a step in parent or a step back parent? Has that changed as your child has grown?

I would genuinely love to know. Hit reply. 🤍

Until next time,

Aradhana Creator,

Modern Mom Notes

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